I'd rather be boiled alive in Campbell's Chunky soup and fed to a mob of hungry football players.

 

I'll not forgive you even if you spent the rest of your days in India cleaning the pavements of Calcutta with your tongue.

 

I'd rather have my toenails and fingernails pulled out by hot tongs, fried a deep-fryer, and fed to me.

 

I'd rather eat through a straw for the rest of my life.

 

I'd rather be wrapped in soggy cabbage leaves and smashed to death by the blunt end of a paper weight.

 

I'd rather my mother danced naked in front of the school.

 

If you get any stupider, you're going to have to wear a helmet.

 

No, thats not a hideous man-eating gorilla from the island of elderly skunks and storms of hair-burning fire balls and sharp eye-poking sticks... Thats Mike...

 

Friend: "Who do you think would play me if our lives were a movie?"

Me:  "Mike Myers in drag?"

 

God (if you believe in him) made us in the morning, when he had all these good ideas about creating the most beautiful and perfect things.  This was the same time he came up with puppies, birds of paradise, Hawaii, and sparking snowflakes.  When he got around to you, however, it was later in the evening when he was sore and tired and severely needed to create beer.  This was the same time he thought up platypuses, bullfrogs, and alge.

 

I'd rather have my liver replaced by a large slab of meatloaf.

 

I'd rather swallow a live hippopotamus and was it down with toilet water.

 

I'd rather ram a pencil up my nose and into my frontal cortex.

 

I'd rather walk around completely covered in clothing made from 70's shag carpeting and broken glass.

 

I'd rather be tortured by a ball of lint that refuses to be picked off my jacket.

 

I'd rather consume a metric tonne of chef-boy-ardee.

 

I'd rather spend the rest of my days suspended from the ceiling fan by my lips.

 

I'd rather be doomed to spend an eternity in a demension of sheer itchyness.

 

I'd rather wear too-tight mango-colored pants to the prom.

 

I'd rather fall into a pit of ravenous turtles.

 

I'd rather be condemed to live in a house of primates forever.

 

I'd rather drive through a nitro-glycerine plant with a dump truck.

 

I'd rather die of a rare disease that causes the victim to believe they have morphed into a glass of orange juice and will perish if tipped over.

 

I"d rather be the first person to explore the vacuum of space.. without a suit.

 

I'd rather paint myself a hideous shade of pea-green and dance the tango in various public places.

 

I'd rather join the "worms are delicious" fan club.

 

I'd rather attempt to console a mother moose that has lost her baby.

 

I'd rather take a bone from a police-force-trained German Shepard.

 

I'd rather kick a sleeping bear.

 

I'd rather star in a new documentary called "How far can a person be stretched, and what happens when you go to far?"